Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 07:12:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mac Stryper
Subject: Re: Walks thru empty houses . . .To: gspencer


Good Morning, Candles in the Wind,

Burning brightly - ever a beacon - like the lighthouses, scattered along the crooked shoreline - piercing the fog - providing a shimmering map - a map to guide our clumsy ship bows by. Awww - my ship sees your light. It now can hug the shore, not too close, not too far - while it steadily moves out to sea - new adventures - another new year. Each getting better and better. Each ringing with fond memories and old songs to remind us of loves lost. Loves found. I feel proud to hold my love high. Like St. Elmo's fire, this love. It will never go out, never die.

The roses were deep red, almost burgundy on the inside, surrounded by a pale, white, outter layer. They were covered with dew. Which, I noticed, only this morning, when I checked their color to be sure. Plastic dew. But, like sparkiling teardrops, reminding me that even with sadness, there is beauty. Spectacular and deep. But, only for those who care to see it. Those who care to "stop, and smell the roses." To see the dewdrops. A care that My Spencer has helped instill in me. Thank you for calling my attention to such a lovely gift. I think a gift of guilt, but a gift is precious, for whatever reason.

The sandwich was turkey. I ate half. Left the other half for his breakfast in the am. I just wish he had been more at ease with me, while I ate. He could not WAIT to get up and go. He is not as comfortable with me, as he is with you. I felt it took away from the value of the moment. This morning, thought back, and I wondered if it was drugs. He was sweaty. His eyes were glassy. Not buggy, tho. He left, so abruptly, without his substance. Without his booze. With very little money. Left so suddenly, as if he had an appointment. But could not say with whom.

He did not come home last night. My heart was broken. I feared this night. I knew it would be tough. I was geared up for it. I did prepare. I did not freak out. I did not alter one rose, one pair of boots, one coin, one certificate of his. I made my tea, showered and shaved, checked for your light in the window, put on my mule pack, and left for work, as I always do. Forgot my tea. Forgot my tears. But, remembered my love. Remembered my vow. I do know hurt. It knows me. We have an understanding. Only let a little out at a time. No floods. No gushers. Be cool. Be strong. Be Steve.

We are all human. We all have desires. Lusts. Summer and youth. Sex and summer. I have only recently begun to get a handle on my lusts. I am 45. I will not judge, unjustly. It would be selfish. It would be cruel. To expect my charge to have a better grasp than I. He is 27. God bless him for caring. My soul leaps for joi for that. That's why the dew on the roses is so sweet to me. Bittersweet. Poetic. Special, like the one who brought them, who received.


DREAM: "Two Medallions"
I had a recurring vision, last night, just before nodding off. Got up to write it down. Saw the same vision, as I attempted to nap earlier in the afternoon. I saw my neck and upper torso. It was bigger, more defined. It was Junior's. On me. Our neck wore two medallions. One on top of the other, offset by half, so both were visible. On a single chain or ribbon. The top one was brilliant red. Set in rubies and gold. The one behind was lighter gold. They had an emblem on them. Similar to the Ferrari. It came and vanished in a split second. All that information in that instant. I suppose red is for second place. But better to place second, than not at all. Or, it could be red for passion. That, it definitely is. Was. Ouch. That hurts. Well, I said I would be placing a new star on my walk of fame. I guess I was decorated, as well! Yes! A medal of valor for this General, to help get me thru my day. A medal I share with my SPencer. YAY!

DREAM: "Evil Regime"

The rest of the night contained nightmares. One of the worst I have ever experienced. In a nutshell, I was in a school. My X-girlfriend from HS was there. There was an Evil Regime. They were dropping filters into our chimneys. Two chimneys per classroom. The filters did not contain Cyanide or gas. They contained a chemical that would cause us to burn to death. Everything would heat up. The floors the air. And we would roast alive. Slowly. Painfully. We would not know which classroom would be first. They went systematically, one by one. Starting at one end, destroying everyone in the room, then the next room. No one could escape. ALl would die. No one knew the hour, the time. Our classroom was first. We began to burn. Linda and I began to die. But we kept holding on. And holding. And holding. Everyone else was dead. We survived. We learned that they had indeed put Cyanide in the filters, along with the other Chemical. So we were almost unconscious from the fumes, but never died. I awoke, still alive.

I knew it was a miracle. I thought of you. Your prayers. Your fight. I fear, today, that something was taken from your soul, again, in the night, in order to help me survive. I woke up and saw Junior's toothbrush was still dry, when I went into the bathroom. I was still feeling I had been miraculously saved, and felt a strength, as I grasped my heart, before I entered into the living room. Knowing the emptiness that awaited, there. I felt a strength from that dream. It carried me thru my morning routine. WIll carry me thru the day. I shall save my tears for a private moment, today. When Dodie and I see each other, over lunch. I suspect she will also send me a sign. A gift. One which I shall pass on to you, today. For I suspect a piece of you was lost, last night. And, for that I will rush to try and restore, with undue haste.