From: "gspencer"
To: "Mac Stryper"
Subject: It is not a wonder that I love you . . .
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 2002 14:05:10 -0500
A beautiful letter from you, thank you, each one is a gift and I eagerly take them as such; taking them as I do your minutes, your hours, your days, your energy, your love. I hold, I hoard, them to my heart.
MySteveMan, laying on the floor, Joseph next to you, I saw you and I felt my love for both. In a moment I remembered Luis, Marcela, Carol on the couch in Seville as I walked in the room after getting my cigarettes. I recalled the love I have for Luis and Marcela and I felt it overlaid by the love I have for you and for Joseph. I was frightened to recognize that once more and felt I shouldn't be there; that I should have walked away with my heart full of love for the two of you. Just as I did that last night in Seville; love unchanging, undiminished by time and space. I didn't want anything to hurt that love, nothing to move it away from my being; not knowing what to do, how to move forward.
The need for your love is greater than the need to preserve that moment; I stayed, I would let the moment pass and grow and I would grow with it. I would be with your love, I would feel your love, I would see your love and feel my love for you deepen. It deepened as Joseph laid his head on you, as you held hands, as I watched the smile on your face. I now know why. All the uncompleted, all the failings, all the times I turned my back on love stop now.
All the love I ever felt for anyone is still in me, always has been, always will be. Love is infinite, love is boundless as the sea. I feel it wash over us. Love is not monogamous, I knew that all along. Guy felt that in me; he wanted it to be monogamous, I wanted it to be monogamous because he did. How did I cut off my love for others during that time? I only hid it, not acting on it, an act more shameful than any. I will not do it again. Love bottled, love restrained, like the earth's life blood, magma, spewing forth in waves destroying all in its path, poisoning the air; countless generations before renewal: no more. Instead, let it lap the shores as the sea, as it does the countless grains of sand there, the countless lives of countless souls. Let it hug them, love them, nourish them, care for them. Let it join, let it grow, let it get all that much bigger, all that much deeper, all that much powerful.
Any more words are less. How can I end this as I've ended emails before? Can
I end this? No. Huggs Kisses Love Caring In any order :Spencer
Saturday, July 06, 2002
EMAIL
From: "gspencer"
To: "Mac Stryper" , "Steven Rhodes"
Subject: Leveraging the night . . .
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 2002 10:20:10 -0500
. . . with unfulfilled sex drive and vivid dreams of three worlds combined.
Good morning MySteveMan, Love.
. . .
I had a terribly fitful night's sleep, dreamscapes of between stone and >fluff. You were with me through the entire dream, at may side, many times hand in hand, arms around waist or over shoulder. Descending or ascending through them I am not sure.
People that are here now and people who have been here and passed on. A very angry current staffer in the fluff of all places trying to build hard concrete things there for me; trying to make me happy. I was having a very difficult time dealing with him. I did not want the hard things, the realities to be inbetween the rock places. My old friend Ann (now at NIST who sent you LSAT) was there trying to console me; telling me that he meant well.
I kept waking up during the dreams, rolling over on my hard on; ouch. I think I maintained it all through the night; every time I woke up there it was begging for release but the dreams drawing me back into them - making it wait. It was there in the morning, waiting for me - no release yet.
In the dreams a surprise in the soft places; as through the night you are with me and so was Joe. We came up behind him finding him kneeling on the clouds trying to pull something to eat out of a semi-soft vending machine. On realizing we were there he turns to us, looks up with those beautiful eyes and says "What do you expect from an 18 year old?" My heart broke immediately, the dream was over and I had to leave my bed, I was in great pain all over. I've never had someone so new to my consciousness come into my dreams and for him to wake me with that comment. I also never had a constant companion in a such a sequence of dreams.
I should have gone back to bed after the pain eased. I had all of three hours sleep and that being broken. I did not go back to bed. I think I did not want to see what is next; or the pain woke me because I wasn't meant to see what was next.
So I will not delay further in telling you this: The mayor kept calling Joe and I by your name. Steven this and Steven that. Joe caught it first. At first I thought he was telling us about a conversation between you. He spoke through the evening of you a great deal, always referring back to you and saying how much he wished you were with us. I, also, would have liked that but I have to say that I needed to be with the Mayor through the evening without you. Finding out I care about him for him as well as for his relationship with you; which you explained for me previously and set forth again in your letter to Karol. I really do like him. . .
. . . There is an unfathomable amount of love flowing through all of you and an unmistakable bond meant to be. . .
. . . I feel a thread from me out my window up the street to Joe and Richard; a thread soaring across the skyline heading north, wrapping around your abode and going north to you as you sit at work.
The sky is overcast today, its a pall that cannot break the bond. Your email to Karol is incomplete, a thing left unsaid and I wonder why. Is it because you are unsure, because we are unsure, all of us unsure? We cannot have unsteady legs any longer. Sunday, after work, we talk - you and I, maybe all of us. It doesn't matter to me who else will be there. The sun is trying to burn through the pall, it will.
Again, I hope you are having a good day.
Caring Huggs, Kisses and love
:Spencer R6
gspencer@idolo.com "The Romeo and Juliet Chronicles,
Part 6: Romeo and Juliet Have a Son"
Copyright 2001 All Rights Reserved ISBN 1-58898-428-1
From: "gspencer"
To: "Mac Stryper" , "Steven Rhodes"
Subject: Leveraging the night . . .
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 2002 10:20:10 -0500
. . . with unfulfilled sex drive and vivid dreams of three worlds combined.
Good morning MySteveMan, Love.
. . .
I had a terribly fitful night's sleep, dreamscapes of between stone and >fluff. You were with me through the entire dream, at may side, many times hand in hand, arms around waist or over shoulder. Descending or ascending through them I am not sure.
People that are here now and people who have been here and passed on. A very angry current staffer in the fluff of all places trying to build hard concrete things there for me; trying to make me happy. I was having a very difficult time dealing with him. I did not want the hard things, the realities to be inbetween the rock places. My old friend Ann (now at NIST who sent you LSAT) was there trying to console me; telling me that he meant well.
I kept waking up during the dreams, rolling over on my hard on; ouch. I think I maintained it all through the night; every time I woke up there it was begging for release but the dreams drawing me back into them - making it wait. It was there in the morning, waiting for me - no release yet.
In the dreams a surprise in the soft places; as through the night you are with me and so was Joe. We came up behind him finding him kneeling on the clouds trying to pull something to eat out of a semi-soft vending machine. On realizing we were there he turns to us, looks up with those beautiful eyes and says "What do you expect from an 18 year old?" My heart broke immediately, the dream was over and I had to leave my bed, I was in great pain all over. I've never had someone so new to my consciousness come into my dreams and for him to wake me with that comment. I also never had a constant companion in a such a sequence of dreams.
I should have gone back to bed after the pain eased. I had all of three hours sleep and that being broken. I did not go back to bed. I think I did not want to see what is next; or the pain woke me because I wasn't meant to see what was next.
So I will not delay further in telling you this: The mayor kept calling Joe and I by your name. Steven this and Steven that. Joe caught it first. At first I thought he was telling us about a conversation between you. He spoke through the evening of you a great deal, always referring back to you and saying how much he wished you were with us. I, also, would have liked that but I have to say that I needed to be with the Mayor through the evening without you. Finding out I care about him for him as well as for his relationship with you; which you explained for me previously and set forth again in your letter to Karol. I really do like him. . .
. . . There is an unfathomable amount of love flowing through all of you and an unmistakable bond meant to be. . .
. . . I feel a thread from me out my window up the street to Joe and Richard; a thread soaring across the skyline heading north, wrapping around your abode and going north to you as you sit at work.
The sky is overcast today, its a pall that cannot break the bond. Your email to Karol is incomplete, a thing left unsaid and I wonder why. Is it because you are unsure, because we are unsure, all of us unsure? We cannot have unsteady legs any longer. Sunday, after work, we talk - you and I, maybe all of us. It doesn't matter to me who else will be there. The sun is trying to burn through the pall, it will.
Again, I hope you are having a good day.
Caring Huggs, Kisses and love
:Spencer R6
gspencer@idolo.com "The Romeo and Juliet Chronicles,
Part 6: Romeo and Juliet Have a Son"
Copyright 2001 All Rights Reserved ISBN 1-58898-428-1
EMAIL:
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 2002 08:34:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mac Stryper
Subject: Re: "The Best Fourth I ever had!" . . .
To: gspencer
Guvner's Post Independence Day Whispers!
. . . Was that just the sweetest thing you ever heard! Awwww! Stars n' STRIPES forEVer! And bringing over a carton of cigs and a maxed out train ticket was equally the sweetest thing I ever saw! Thank you for spending the afternoon with us, we really, really needed that! Did I say "US" - "WE"? Uh, I mean, woah, rewind, Joe, and "I". And, even though it is obvious, Joe just adores you.
Frequent Flyers from the best 4th on record. In case you couldn't tell. (And, I had the best 3rd AND 4th, JUST, last year, with my hairy Spaniard, Candido, up to THAT year. But that was not even in the same hemisphere of comparison to THIS one!) AND, there is no topping, lying on the floor, holding hands with the half-naked god-son - JoSEPH, with my Spencer, watching over the property, while I was zooming upon etheral jet-streams, I made it just about twice around the world, on that trip! And, again, soaring, lying out on the beach towels, at Inspiration Point, Independence Day 2002 - I must have been gone for awhile, cuz I sure don't remember where the time went. But, it flew! Time only stops for me for a few things. One is my music. Another is with you. Since day one of meeting you. Another was with this new child, since day one of meeting him. No wonder I look so young! I knew there was a logical explanation. . .
. . .
I just tried reading my coffee / hot chocolate cup. I don't really know how to do that, but I thought it might be easier than it appeared. My interpretation has me awestruck. Or maybe saw-truck-ed. Hah! There was a beautiful flowing motion. It was the same view as one would have, if you were flying above the world, looking down on clouds, continents, and oceans. The macrocosm. Within the macrocosm are the microcosms. Shapes form in the white foam, (continents) sometimes moving together, (in the ocean,) then apart. Just like the astronauts saw Mother Earth. Apollo 13? They were awestruck. In fact, so much so, they had to go thru a rather intense de-briefing. They saw a living breathing "thing" out there. And it was powerful.
. . . Okay, back to the coffee cup - (a big blue cappacino cup)
. . . Just now, there was the ying and the yang, moving in together to form one. Perfectly symmetrical, as they (it) should be.) It became a new body. Like an eye. This eye swam alone in the cup. Suddenly, a second eye appeared, in the shape of a ying or a yang, a teardrop, perhaps. The two eyes began to move together, but did not touch. They kept their distance. A membrane protected them from touching. Came close, but did not touch. Then, out of nowhere, a third eye appeared, and when it did, they all decided to come together to form a face, then the first two eyes merged together into one, engulfing the tail of the third. And when all were one, they gracefully spelled out the letter "M" - which swam untouched and unbroken in the coffee cup, for several minutes, gracefully, boldly - while I typed the first part of this letter - until, finally, it merged into the eternal ring around the now-white-chocoloate colored surface - making the "halo" - accented by a dark, inner ring. The Corona.
And with that, I toast the joy of meeting you! (smacking lips!)
Date: Sat, 6 Jul 2002 08:34:08 -0700 (PDT)
From: Mac Stryper
Subject: Re: "The Best Fourth I ever had!" . . .
To: gspencer
Guvner's Post Independence Day Whispers!
. . . Was that just the sweetest thing you ever heard! Awwww! Stars n' STRIPES forEVer! And bringing over a carton of cigs and a maxed out train ticket was equally the sweetest thing I ever saw! Thank you for spending the afternoon with us, we really, really needed that! Did I say "US" - "WE"? Uh, I mean, woah, rewind, Joe, and "I". And, even though it is obvious, Joe just adores you.
Frequent Flyers from the best 4th on record. In case you couldn't tell. (And, I had the best 3rd AND 4th, JUST, last year, with my hairy Spaniard, Candido, up to THAT year. But that was not even in the same hemisphere of comparison to THIS one!) AND, there is no topping, lying on the floor, holding hands with the half-naked god-son - JoSEPH, with my Spencer, watching over the property, while I was zooming upon etheral jet-streams, I made it just about twice around the world, on that trip! And, again, soaring, lying out on the beach towels, at Inspiration Point, Independence Day 2002 - I must have been gone for awhile, cuz I sure don't remember where the time went. But, it flew! Time only stops for me for a few things. One is my music. Another is with you. Since day one of meeting you. Another was with this new child, since day one of meeting him. No wonder I look so young! I knew there was a logical explanation. . .
. . .
I just tried reading my coffee / hot chocolate cup. I don't really know how to do that, but I thought it might be easier than it appeared. My interpretation has me awestruck. Or maybe saw-truck-ed. Hah! There was a beautiful flowing motion. It was the same view as one would have, if you were flying above the world, looking down on clouds, continents, and oceans. The macrocosm. Within the macrocosm are the microcosms. Shapes form in the white foam, (continents) sometimes moving together, (in the ocean,) then apart. Just like the astronauts saw Mother Earth. Apollo 13? They were awestruck. In fact, so much so, they had to go thru a rather intense de-briefing. They saw a living breathing "thing" out there. And it was powerful.
. . . Okay, back to the coffee cup - (a big blue cappacino cup)
. . . Just now, there was the ying and the yang, moving in together to form one. Perfectly symmetrical, as they (it) should be.) It became a new body. Like an eye. This eye swam alone in the cup. Suddenly, a second eye appeared, in the shape of a ying or a yang, a teardrop, perhaps. The two eyes began to move together, but did not touch. They kept their distance. A membrane protected them from touching. Came close, but did not touch. Then, out of nowhere, a third eye appeared, and when it did, they all decided to come together to form a face, then the first two eyes merged together into one, engulfing the tail of the third. And when all were one, they gracefully spelled out the letter "M" - which swam untouched and unbroken in the coffee cup, for several minutes, gracefully, boldly - while I typed the first part of this letter - until, finally, it merged into the eternal ring around the now-white-chocoloate colored surface - making the "halo" - accented by a dark, inner ring. The Corona.
And with that, I toast the joy of meeting you! (smacking lips!)
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